100 Brave Things Project #29: Talking About my Eating Disorders After years of trying every diet known to mankind, after yo-yoing up down, over and over for an entire DECADE. After two eating disorders and a 100+ pound weight gain. I finally broke up with my diet.
Ugh. It’s the cold, hard reality that became my life. I felt out of control for a while but things got progressively worse very quickly after I lost my son Braedon in 2018. I soothed my broken heart with food and I kept needing more and more.
This is tough to admit but I was like a drug addict and my drug of choice was food.
I would eat way past full.
I would sneak food into the house and even hide wrappers.
I would sometimes eat 1000’s of calories in one sitting.
I was constantly thinking about when I would get my next fix.
I had intense cravings even when I was stuffed.
I felt a lot of guilt and shame around food.
I’d promise myself, it would be the last time but like an addict it never was until…. I BROKE UP WITH MY DIET.
Just typing those words and saying them in my head I can feel the weight of the world lifting off my shoulders as I exhale. As that breath passes through my lips my shoulders are relaxing & I’m letting go of a decade long battle of restricting, food demonizing, labeling and diets that lead to a 100+ pound weight gain, binge eating disorder and food addiction. Honestly, like I said before this is tough to admit but if my story can help even one person let go of their diet it will be worth it.
Back in September, 2020 I started a yet another diet program.
It was at least the fourth time I did this particular program but I felt out of control and I didn’t know what else to try. They claimed it wasn’t a diet but they did give me a meal plan that laid out everything I was supposed to eat and the exact amount of every morsel. I was also supposed to write down everything I ate in a journal too so my coach could review it every week. Kind of sounds like a diet and it felt like one too.
Each week I was counting down the days until my weigh-in so I could treat myself to all of the things I actually wanted to eat. All the things that I thought about having all week but wasn’t allowed to have. It’s not a bad program and I know tons of people have had success with it but it wasn’t helping me live my best life and it was only exasperating my spiralling relationship with food. I eventually stopped following the meal plan and started listening to my body more and asking myself what I wanted to eat? What did I feel like eating?
After a decade of dieting.
After being on track or off track.
After being on the wagon or off the wagon.
After trying all the diets it felt kind of revolutionary to just ask myself what I wanted to eat and to start letting go of all the rules I had been brainwashed to believe HERE’S SOME OF THE DIETS I’VE TRIED:
Atkins (multiple times)
Keto (multiple times)
Weight Watchers (multiple times)
Shakes (multiple kinds)
A Version of the Carnivore Diet
The Eat Clean Diet
Body for Life
MY NEW METHOD HAS ONE RULE!
Strive for a calorie deficit most days of the week! Cue the alluring music now… Boom! After decades of dieting I realize you can actually eat whatever you want and lose weight. You just have to be in a calorie deficit by the end of the week. You don’t have to restrict yourself to the point of binging. You don’t have to cut sugar. You can have a piece of cake. You can eat in the evening. Best news friends carbs aren’t the devil!
The best part about this journey isn’t the weight that I’m losing though, it’s the fact that I’m healing my relationship with food. I no longer feel like an addict. My cravings are in check. I don’t feel the need to binge. For the first time in a long time I know I can do this.